A Note to Parents of Teenagers
- Dr Sp Mishra
- Mar 30
- 3 min read
When Concern Turns into Criticism (ICC Blog # 163)
Recently, I counselled a young boy who had just entered Grade 10.
He came for a counselling session with his parents and younger sibling. A quiet child, he had a speech difficulty that made certain syllables hard to pronounce. Because of this, he struggled socially and had few friends. Like many children in similar situations, he had turned to mobile phones and television for comfort.
But what unfolded during the session was more telling than any assessment.
Throughout the conversation, his mother clearly anxious about his future began listing his shortcomings. One after another. His habits. His weaknesses. His struggles.
All of this was said in front of him. In front of his father. In front of his younger sibling.
The boy sat silently.
So, too was his younger sibling. I guess this conversation would have created a negative impression about his elder brother listening to all the criticism from the parents.
Listening. Absorbing. Internalizing.
Teenagers Hear More Than We Think
By the time children reach their teenage years, they are deeply aware of themselves and the world around them. Their cognitive and emotional development allows them to interpret not just words but tone, intent, and judgment.
When criticism is delivered publicly:
It doesn’t motivate improvement
It doesn’t build awareness
It doesn’t “toughen” them
Instead, it often:
Lowers self-esteem
Creates shame
Builds emotional distance from parents
And most dangerously it shapes how they see themselves.
The Difference Between Concern and Criticism
Parents almost always act out of concern.
But concern, when expressed without restraint, can sound like criticism.
And repeated criticism especially in public can feel like rejection.
There is a subtle but crucial difference:
Concern says: “I want to help you grow.”
Criticism says: “You are not good enough.”
Teenagers may not always respond, but they always remember how they felt.
What Should Parents Do Instead?
If there is one shift that can transform parent-child relationships, it is this:
Separate Feedback from Public Spaces
If you have concerns about your child:
Do not discuss them in front of:
The child’s siblings
Relatives
Teachers or counsellors (without context)
Social settings
Instead:
Choose a One-on-One Conversation
Create a safe, private space where:
The child does not feel judged
The tone is calm, not emotional
The focus is on support, not fault-finding
You may be surprised children often open up when they feel respected.
Especially for Children Who Are Already Struggling
Children dealing with challenges whether speech, academics, social anxiety, or confidence are already fighting internal battles.
Public criticism does not “correct” them. It reinforces their fears.
What they need more than advice is:
Reassurance
Acceptance
Encouragement
And above all the feeling that their home is a safe space, not a stage for evaluation.
Your Child Is Not a Problem Statement
In today’s competitive environment, it is natural for parents to worry about their child’s future career paths, performance, and social development.
But in the process, children often get reduced to a list of gaps.
They become:
“Not focused enough”
“Not confident enough”
“Not performing enough”
Instead of being seen as:
Individuals with strengths
Personalities in development
Humans navigating their own pace
A Simple Rule to Remember
If you wouldn’t like your own weaknesses to be discussed publicly…
Your child won’t either.
Before You Speak, Pause and Ask:
Am I helping my child grow or hurting their confidence?
Would I say this if we were alone?
Is this the right place and time?
That small pause can change everything.
Final Thought
As a counsellor, I can guide, assess, and suggest pathways. But the foundation of a child’s confidence is built at home. Not through constant correction. But through consistent understanding.
Because in the end, children don’t just grow from what we teach them…
They grow from how we treat them.
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